Since the first week I met your Dad he talked about climbing Mount Timpanogos together. He told me it was beautiful. All I remember hearing him say is the word together. I told him I would love to, I told him a lie. Three years later we kissed your big brother goodbye and set off on a early August morning for a seemingly romantic adventure. We were going to scale a mountain together. The only thing standing in our way was a lot of snow and my extreme fear of heights. I sobbed most of the way up the mountain begging to turn around. Standing on the top of the mountain looking at how far I had come wasn't as empowering as it was terrifying. I wanted nothing more then to be safely in our truck on our way home to your brother where I could hold him extra tight and kiss those chubby cheeks of his. Your Dad made his way down the steep mountain with the grace of a gazelle . I moved with the grace of an inch worm trying my very best not to ever look down. I prayed hard that I would be able to do this. It started to get dark and windy, in that moment the impression came to my mind that I would soon be having another child, a daughter. Little did we know you were already growing inside me.
September 11, 2011 I woke up in the middle of the night and made my way to the kitchen. I smothered peanut butter and bacon between two slices of bread. I couldn't sleep, I mean after all my little dear a peanut butter and bacon sandwich is an odd combination. I quietly made my way out of bed yet again and grabbed a pregnancy test carelessly placed in the top drawer. Over the past three years I had taken countless test never completely getting over the initial disappointment of reading NOT PREGNANT I nervously took the test preparing myself for it to be negative....or even positive. It always felt like a cheap thrill waiting to see if our life was going to completely change. It hardly thought before it read PREGNANT. I fumbled the test around in my hand Not exactly sure what to do. Completely forgetting every clever way I had been planning on announcing this news to to your father I jumped from the bathroom to the bedroom and woke up your Dad announcing the best of surprises. He quickly jumped up and asked "how did this happen?" and he laid is head back down on the pillow. He wore an expression that could be best described as overwhelming/excitement. I could feel my heart smiling.
I never tired of feeling you move and squirm inside of me. I would often find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning wondering about you and what you would be like. Four weeks before you made your grand arrival to this earth the strong kicks stopped and were replaced with a sensation of butterflies. I rushed to the hospital just to make sure you were alright. You were. From then on painful contractions became my constant company. I didn't want to admit to anyone that they were becoming more intense or that I was scared. I found myself back at the hospital laying on my back for a good part of the day watching the screen measuring contractions that I shouldn't have been having. I mindlessly watched TV feeling lonely waiting to see if you were in fact ready to be part of our family. I felt comfort listening to your soothing heart beat loudly thumping over the monitor. I was told I was dehydrated and not to worry they were just "braxton hicks." I was put on moderate bed rest. That seemed like an impossible feat with your darling older brother. I was also informed that you my little darling were breech, that I was dilated to a three, my cervix were soft and my bag of water was bulging. I felt my stomach tighten anytime the word "c-section" was casually tossed around.
I made one more dry run to the hospital before you were born. As silly as it may sound every time I left empty handed I felt defeated. Every passing day I became more and more anxious. Every night for weeks I would walk the halls of our home quietly laboring hoping that I would soon find relief and be holding you in my arms. I held on to the thought of you wanting nothing more then to hold you on my chest and breath your sweet presence in.
I found myself sneaking into your nursery and folding clothes that I just folded and scrubbing floors that were already scrubbed. We went on long walks every morning and evening out of desperation I tried to sprint up our hill (it resembled more of a slow motion trot) I ate spicy chinese food with a a cans of pineapple and tried nearly every wives-tale to induce labor. Sympathetic neighbors stopped me to share their tips, tricks and secrets to inducing labor. You my love seemed to be a lot more comfortable than I was and seemed pretty content on staying put until...
May 16, 2012 I woke up screaming your Dads name with sweat pouring down my face. Your Dad rubbed my lower back while I not so quietly moaned. These contractions were different. They were so inconsistent but when they did come they striked with vengeance taking my breath away and completely knocking me off my feet. My pride and I chalked this little show up to false labor. I quietly sobbed. I didn't know how much longer I could take this as I rocked back and forth on my hands and knees in hopes of turning you.
By that evening my head cold was getting the best of me. I was tired, anxious and felt completely and utterly defeated. I was having a hard time trusting my own body. At 7:25 p.m. I decided to go to the market to purchase an entire cocoanut pie for myself. That my little dear is the secret to inducing labor! You decided to save me thousands of calories and spare the poor high school boy that worked at the local grocer the clean up in aisle five. As I was walking out the door my water broke. I had never seen your Dad move so quickly. Excitement and a sense of urgency filled the air. We grabbed your brother, his suitcase and I ran(waddled out the door.)
To be continued....
You Miss Wynn Charlotte are 8 weeks old today. I have sat down countless times to finish typing your story but my fingers aren't exactly sure how to describe emotions there aren't even words for. This is me trying. Where were we? Oh yes, water breaking and me waddling out of the kitchen.
I pulled my heavy body into your Dads shiny new black pick up truck. I still had water trickling down my legs. Everything about this scene seemed so familiar, your brother resisting to get into his car seat while your Dad told him in a low calm voice to sit down while he methodically tightened the straps. The only thing that was missing from the familiarity of this scene was you. You were exactly what our little family never knew we needed. I smiled sweetly at your brother wondering if he had any clue what was happening or how everything that he had ever known to be inherently his would soon have to be shared. At not even two your big brother would be having his first ever slumber party. How would he do without me? (Apparently great.)
He suddenly seemed so small waving goodbye and blowing me kisses through the car window, being careful to never let go of the small toy he held tightly in his hand. I waved back noticing how the baseball cap he was wearing nearly covered his eyes. Guilt washed over me. Yet at the same time I was so so so excited to meet you, we all were. Just then a contraction started to works it way up my back it felt as if I hit my funny bone while simultaneously stubbing my toe (that sensation where your body feels tingly,lighted headed and you want to puke.) Just as suddenly I felt as if my body was going to be ripped in half. I looked over at your Father with alarm in my eyes demanding for him to HURRY!!
I started panicking. I suddenly was feeling a lot of pressure. I called your Grandma she said for us to hurry, the water may have been the one and only thing holding you in for this long.
"Please drive a little faster!" I said with a touch of fear (and maybe even a little annoyance) in my voice.
Your Dads expression matched my concern, he subconsciously stroked the leather seats pleading for me not to have you my little darling in his nice clean truck. We both laughed that seemed like way too much effort. (A few days later he traded that truck in for a minivan. Safer for you my dear and easier for the mama to park.)
"You should get an epidural this time." Said the man who thinks those son of guns from the 1950 who waited in the waiting room instead of delivery room were lucky. Since we had this conversation so many times before. I simply squeezed your Dads hand, it wasn't his decision to make. I told him that if I truly decided I would like one then we needed a code word. He chose"macaroni....."
By the time we made the 20 minute drive to the hospital my pants were completely soaked. I waddled into the hospital looking like I just wet my pants. The lady at the front desk recognized me from earlier that week, I felt my face turn a hot red. She started asking the same questions I had answered the first three times I paid that Utah Valley hospital a visit. But something about the look on my face or my body being completely hunched over made her stop mid sentence and bring me back to be examined. I was just as suddenly laying on my back with monitors on my belly trying my best to breathe through the waves of pain. My efforts seemed fruitless. For weeks I had been plagued with a cold that made my voice sound like I had been a chain smoker for 30 years and a nose so plugged up that I was confident that if someone put something over my mouth I would surely die.
I was exhausted and anxious to have the delivery over and you my sweet little one safe in my arms. A very tired yet lovely middle aged nurse confirmed my water had indeed broken (I would had been mortified if it hadn't) while she quickly snapped on a pair of latex gloves. As violating as it had felt to have so many different hands/arms "check me" I was anxious and excited to see how far I had dilated. Despite the excruciating pain I was in I felt elated. I tried to study the nurses face hoping she would say something on the lines of "you can push when you are ready."
"You are still only dilated to a 3." she said in almost a whisper
I bit my bottom lip to keep from crying and muttered an "Alright. Thank you." Inside I was begging and pleading for her to check again and this time to tell me a much higher number. I had your brother naturally and had experienced the fire of a 10..........how could this only be a 3?
I hurt. I felt defeated. I felt done before I ever stepped foot in that delivery room.
In between contractions I rested my head on the pillow. My eyes were heavy from weeks of laboring with little sleep. I felt like I was running on empty and just wanted to hit pause and take a little power nap. My uterus was not near as understanding to my little predicament.
My legs were so restless laying in the bed wanting to crawl out of my own skin. My tired nurse tried to stick an IV in and blew the vein in my arm. She stroked the veins in my left hand. I kindly asked her if we could at all cost avoid an IV in my hands. Knowing from experience that it would make my hand completely clumsy just getting in my way not to mention the constant dull pain. She tried the right arm I flinched knowing that vein was blown as well. My heart sunk when the nurse got up to grab someone else to jab the IV into my hand.
This couldn't be happening. I tried to focus in on the rhythm of your heart beat thumping through the monitor. I wasn't progressing, They started the pitocin. I felt like I couldn't breathe......to be continued with a very happy very perfect little ending.
I started to shake uncontrollably I looked up at your dad and in a trembling voice asked him why this was happening. Sleepless weeks with allergies that just might have been on steroids topped off with a little pitocin made me want nothing more then to sit on the ground and yell "I am done! I give up!"..... But my little dear quitting was never an option.
So instead I stood there in silence tightly gripping the small desk the computer monitor was resting on. Breathing to the music of your heart beat thumping loudlythrough the monitor.
I glanced down at my hand and saw my birth plan carelessly laying there. I saw the line asking your birth team to "please help us achieve the most natural birth possible."
I tightly squeezed my eyes shut. And opened them to see the blue line on the monitor starting to climb. My body braced itself. I suddenly realized that this was a mountain I didn't have to climb. I had nothing to prove. All I really wanted was you my little love safe in my arms. Last summer I stood on top of Mount Timp with your Dad and felt more terrified than empowered. In that moment I knew that I didn't want a natural birth, I wanted a natural experience.
I straightened my body feeling a new determination surge through my body. I looked around taking in the scene and remembering exactly how I felt at that moment. Two years ago I brought your brother into the world naturally but you my little dear were meant to be different. I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel ashamed or disappointed for my decision. After all there is no right or wrong way to have a baby....and most of the time life doesn't go as planned. It is usually so much better. I hope Wynnie that when you grow older and have the opportunity to witness perfection in your life when you become a mother that you will remember to trust your body and always too mind your heart.
I felt a rush of relief, through my sobs I told your father "MACARONI! I want macaroni......please hurry and get me some macaroni!!"
I looked up to see that there had been a change in nurses and that this beautiful nurse that had kindness radiating out of her smile (she reminded me of your auntie ginny) was looking at me wearing a confused expression...wondering if she should run and get me more flavored ice chips.... unfortunately they were fresh out macaroni flavor. HA.
I tried a shower while I waited for the anasteloigist. The water trickled out and with out warning would suddenly blast me with cold water. I was sure if I stayed in any longer an epidural wouldn't be necessary.
He came in. He was warm and friendly and I wanted to die. I couldn't of been happier to see him. For so long the idea of feeling nothing seemed far worse than feeling everything but maybe because the idea of experiencing sweet relief trumpeted all words like "amazing, a dream and wonderful"were enthusiastically escaping my lips. My sweet nurse lifted my heavy legs and put a pillow in between them. She explained that is how she slept best. I smiled and thanked her, already feeling nothing from my waist below. She checked to see our progression. 5 centimeters. She said she would be back in 45 minutes. The room was quiet and dark. It felt so natural as your Dad laid on a couch near me while we waited. He held my hand. My heavy eyelids surrendered. And I fell into a deep blissful dreamless slumber.
The nurse woke me up to check me. Still in a daze it didn't quite register when she whispered "you are ready!" In a hushed voice matching hers I responded with "ready for what?"
She said I was at a ten and I could start pushing when I was ready. Your Dad who I thought was dead asleep quickly shot up. Just then the doctor walked in with bed head rubbing sleep from his eyes. I started to panic. Was I dreaming? I couldn't feel anything from the waist below! How was pushing even an option?
The doctor asked me how long it took to push your brother out. I told him it was only moments but I could feel him coming out! Just in case he decided to finishing suiting up. He rubbed ky jelly all over his gloves bringing my mind back to the first appointment I had with this man. He said in twenty twelve there in know reason a women should ever have an episiotomy Now I knew what he meant. I pushed. Did I even do anything? I tried again. And then one more time. I looked down to watch your make your speedy entrance into this world. It was so surreal. Less then 10 minutes ago I was sleeping I only had been pushing for five minutes. I put a hand over my mouth and kept saying "there really was a baby in there!!" Your Dad cut the cord while we worked together to dry your slippery body off. The peace that enveloped the room was almost tangible.
I slipped your tiny fragile body into my nightgown like a mother kangaroo. You instantly nestled against my chest. I could feel your heart beating against mine. I could feel your calmness and warmth. I hoped you could feel my love. I felt so content, so complete. My heart felt like it was going to burst. In both you and your brothers birth I felt closer to the savior than I have ever had before. With your brothers birth I experienced unbearable agony only to be contrasted with the sweetest joy and relief new life brings. With you my little dear I experienced the sweet joy of contentment and calmness.
The human body is so strong but the human spirit is so much stronger.
Miss Wynn Charlotte you are loved.
On the night you were born, The moon smiled with such wonder That the stars peeked in to see you And the night wind whispered, “Life will never be the same.” Because there had never been anyone like you… ever in the world. Not once had there been such eyes, Such a nose, Such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes. For never before in story or rhyme (not even once upon a time) Has the world ever known a you, my friend, And it never will, not ever again. - Nancy Tillman